Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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