so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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