that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I could make wine with my vomit
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
