theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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