Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
