Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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