Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
