i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
