Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
