i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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