census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
