I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
