You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My ATM looks so different sober.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
