I'm going to jail i love you
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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