captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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