His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
