im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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