a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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