OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
