then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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