Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
