So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I need moral support for this bender
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
