I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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