I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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