Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
