if only i could text you this smell
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
