we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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