This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
