I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
