Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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