I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
