Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
