Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
sex in a hospital.. check
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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