Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
