well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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