I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
