I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I woke up under a house in Key West
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