Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
