ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
