i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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