what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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