i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You're a waste of cheezeits
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
