So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
