He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
What a dumb baby whore.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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