I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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