Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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