Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
