my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
babies were throwing up all over the place
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
