My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
