Will you blow on my dice?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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